Updated: Aug 4, 2020
A way to talk to me, so that everyone can listen. A rant, a venting mechanism, for my mind to get better, while those who can relate can find the Hope that I'm living by. A simple quest to BE.
Mental Health is spoken about so much these days. It feels good that something you’re facing as an issue is being spoken about, considered of importance as a topic to discuss.
Anxiety has become a word that everyone seriously and sometimes loosely uses. I don’t think a lot of us know what it is. We’re quite good at labeling an uneasy feeling, the feeling of unrest as anxiety. It probably is that. I don’t know yet. I don’t think I’ll be able to define even though I term a lot of my primary behaviour under anxiety.
What happens though? How do you know you have issues? How do you differentiate between a lack of strength and the need to seek help? Is therapy just for the weak? Why do I have to pay for my mind to get better?
The technical questions, I can’t answer the best. I’m not a therapist or qualified in the studies of human mind. But, I am a human mind going through what is called mental health issues. What exactly, you’d ask? Well, if only I knew exactly what, that’s what I’m in the process of finding out. All I can share is how I feel and what I try to do against those feelings.
I have had breakdowns since childhood. It never affected my ‘performance’ per se in any areas of childhood life. I was always good at academics, without actually taking much effort, honestly. Still, never felt good enough. I was a fat kid, went to a school filled with judgemental children who thought objectification was as natural a trait as eating probably. I must have participated too, intentionally or unintentionally. Then the rest of the life happened, I did a lot of things, explored multiple areas of work, study, art. Always thought, ‘I am not good enough’. In fact, I took pride in feeling ‘not good enough’ because I thought I’m being down-to-earth and that is the ultimate key to success.
Well, it isn’t. Success, I don’t think is a thing at all. How can success be a legit goal for everyone when it is defined differently for each person, there are so many parameters. So, I have come to the conclusion that success DOES NOT EXIST. It's a race that we are a part of chasing, where the goal that seems to be that same, is actually different for everyone. Hence, there is no right or wrong.
Then, what’s with the motivational quotes etc. what’s with the feel-good factor after appreciation. Is it an ego boost? Is it a reflection of acquired power? I don’t know. I am no one to tell. No one is anyone to tell, really.
All I know is all this chase, this quest, using the brain to the fullest, being creative, being honest, being humble, being self-critical, being over expressive, being emotional, being there for people, all the time, being stupidly in love, trusting, etc. etc. led to me burning out. Yes, burnouts are real, I thought they were delusional too. I tried to control my life, control situations, control people, did a lot of plans, habits, affirmations, joyful things, anything that my urban privilege gave me access too. But it started showing an effect on my body, my strength seemed to have vanished. I started getting a fever, headaches, stomach aches, digestive problems, appetite loss (if anyone knows me, that’s a real extreme. I love food with all my life). That’s when I realised I’m not capable at the moment (please read the at the moment importantly, because it is in the moment, not a forever) to handle myself, to help myself, I have exhausted my resources and also the strength that I derive from people. And that’s when I took a step to seek HELP.
Good, now I had help. So I’d be great again, no? If only, life was that simple. This one is to shed light on the fact that just because someone seeks help, doesn’t mean they’d instantly get okay. I thought this for myself too. I thought now I’m in good hands and I’ll get fixed. Well, NO. A BIG NO, for me, people like me, people around me, people around people like me, EVERYBODY. It’s a step, not a solution, it takes time and a lot of work. All you need is for someone to listen, to not judge, to not conclude, to not leave. All you need is love and care while you’re on the path of getting better, with help. Because, people aren’t our worst enemies, fear is. I don’t know which fears exactly yet, because I am also not ‘FIXED’ yet, probably will never be. But, all I can say is I am getting more and more comfortable with who I am. In this process, many have left, out of their fears, which is understandable. I am thankful enough to have a ton of privilege, a ton of love, a space for myself. A lot don’t. I just hope the fear of fears, the fear of holding on to fears, or letting go of fears, whichever it is that triggers a lot of things is something that I can battle with regained strength because it’ll never go away. Life will never go away, and all I can do is be there for myself, without the fear of seeking help.
This does not mean I’m not happy, I am. This does not mean I fake behave on social media, I don’t. I do find Instagram a good space to freely express. It takes a toll, but it helps. It means crying is a regular part of my life, of which I may not be posting pictures. It means I take time off just to calm myself down, every now and then. It means I am honest to tell people I can’t handle things/situations. It means I miss out on a lot of things I want to do on a daily basis. It means I have to consciously not think of more ideas to work on. It means I am okay with being tired, with quitting, but still getting there with not chasing things, it’s a long haul. But, I’d rather spend the rest of my life exploring myself, than exploring things that suppress my true self. I'm just starting to know myself, love myself in small bits, there's a lot to find out!
Why do I write this today? Well, you can say writing gives me a vent, you can call it a rant, or an expression. It is just the tip of the iceberg of feelings my mind has, I am still figuring the roots of the iceberg in the vast sea of thoughts. With words I find comfort, With writing, I feel nice, and hopefully, someone going through the same things as me, or someone watching a closed one going through this will find reassurance and hope while reading my words, my Mind Talks. For, HOPE is all I live by, and wish to live by for whatever number of years to come.